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The Dramatic Plight On The High Seas Of His Majesty's Ships Bounty And Sir Nicolo Roly
sometimes referred to as Christian's Olde Stories Of The Mutiny On The Bounty
and otherwise known as The Collected Works Of The Good Ship F*****t
being true tales of Perspiring Piracy and Conspicuous Conspiracy
known amongst old sea hands as The Taste Of Paradise
or sometimes as The Forthright Saga
or for short just

War & Piss

being a faithful extract from the Captain’s Log in the year 1797 A.D.

by Captain William Bligh, R.N. (ret’d)

















1  The Bounty Hunters

On the deck of the 'Bounty', January 1797

One bleak Tuesday morning, Captain Ted Bligh came out on deck of his battered ship.

Captain Bligh: "Christian! Come up here at once. Where are Seamen Don and Denny this bright morn?"

Christian: "Sir, the crew are saying they put ashore in a small boat during the night. They went with Mistresses Susie and Robin"

Bligh: "I see". (Thinks hard with piercing blue eyes staring at the tall fair haired Christian) "Who says so?"

Christian: "Sir, I said, the crew said so"

Bligh (enraged): "And I says WHO SAYS SO? Mr Christian, let me remind you I am the captain here, I'll not tolerate insubordination" (crew start to mumble in support of Mr Christian, who they see as their saviour)

Bligh (shouting): "SILENCE! Mr Christian, fetch me Lenny O'Friend immediately"

Christian: "Sir, if you remember you had him keel-hauled, and he never came up again"

Bligh: "So I did. Yes, you're right Mr Christian, you're always damn right. I must be getting too old for this game." (turns to the crew) "Well get on with it, all of you!"

Christian (to the captain): "Sir, Long John Jordan has reorganised the cabin staff..."

Bligh (cutting him short): "And no doubt to your advantage, Mr Christian. Must I accept these changes?"

Christian: "Sir, I believe that Long John has done what you would have intended"

Bligh: "Has he now! But without placing the question, Mr Christian. And what jobs have been given to the new cockney cabin boys Carl and Phillip?"

Christian then explains the reorganisation to the Captain, who is frowning hard, but is gradually losing control to Long John and Christian. The captain has little choice but to accept the changes.

Below deck, later.

Seaman 1 (in hushed tone): "I believe Mr Christian has saved us again"

Seaman 2: "Indeed. I would rather have Mr Christian than the Captain, any day"

Seaman 3: "Hush now, we cannot say these things - yet"

Seaman 2: "Didst you hear that the second mate Kirk wants to put ashore at the next Polinesian island?"

Seaman 1: "What canst you expect, he has hardly nought to do since Long John reorganised the crew. No doubt he wouldst be a Captain himself!"

Seaman 2: "Nay, brother, twouldst not sound right 'Captain Kirk'!"

Seaman 3: "Have you heard that Mark O'Biscay has a terrible new task?"

Seamen 1 and 2 (together): "And what would that be?"

Seaman 3: "Painting those wretched green bars on the side of the ship, 'twas the captain's idea..."

2  Mutiny Strikes

Musing over it in his troubled sleep, and suspecting mutiny was on the crew's mind, Captain Bligh had reluctantly accepted the crew changes imposed by Mr Christian and Long John Jordan. Some of the crew had put ashore in the night in a long boat, while others had died from cruel punishment at the hands of the aging Bligh. Increasingly the crew were turning to Mr Christian for help.

The 'Bounty' had rounded Cape Horn on New Years Day, 1797. Now, three months into the year, the ship was still struggling in treacherous conditions, with disastrous results. Worse still, cabin fever had now spread to the sister ship the 'Sir Nicolo Roly', with bright-faced new boy Cockney Kent "Y-fronts" at the helm, which was also battling on through mountainous seas just behind the 'Bounty'.

On that fateful day when the flotilla had set out from the Old World, His Highness Sir Nicolo himself - the master boat builder, after whom it had been named - had been at the helm, but in mid Atlantic, supposedly on the secret orders of Captain Bligh, the U-boat Ze Nobby Nob had surfaced alongside the 'Sir Nicolo' and forced a landing party. Some of the crew died in the fight that followed, including the chef, Miss Moneypenny have-you-seen-me-in-shorts Porcoe. Others, like Mike "Number" Tracer, were badly wounded, and had been thrown overboard for having allegiance to Sir Nicolo. The result was a decimated and demoralised crew. Herr Obermeister Nob had then made himself Admiral of both the 'Sir Nicolo Roly', and his own sinister U-boat, appointing Cockney Kent Y-fronts as the incompetent Captain of the 'Sir Nicolo'. Sir Nicolo had been forced to walk the plank.

Since then 21 others had jumped ship. Able Seaman Scruffy had even swam across to HMS Resolution - busy picking off bits of the 'Sir Nicolo Roly' which it kept in its sights - on the promises of a better position made by canny Scottish First Mate "Whisky" Macallan.

On the deck of the 'Sir Nicolo Roly' the next morning

First Mate Jonty "Tar Brush" - who legend has it was once abandoned by his sailor father to his native mother on Tahiti - put on his usual cheery face as he stepped out on deck that morning:

Tar Brush (shouting at the crew): "Wots in the pipeline then?"

This was too much for star cabin boy Phillip, who hated anyone prying into his affairs. "I'm off", he said, and with that dived into the Pacific, swimming furiously and eventually catching up the 'Bounty', where he was helped aboard and feted.

Tar Brush (surprised): "I woz just asking". Little did Tar Brush realise just how much this energetic little cabin boy meant to the ship, but how could he understand, without knowing what goes on below deck? He would have to find out the hard way...

Now Tar Brush had deliberately chosen a cabin in the opposite corner of the ship from Y-fronts's cabin - to avoid seeing the Captain as much as possible - as whenever they met, they were at it like cat and dog. At that moment Y-fronts appeared, and off they went, at it again...the crew started to crowd round to watch the acrimonous exchanges. Then all of a sudden Y-fronts turned to the crew:

Y-fronts (firmly): "Right then, Bligh says we must save on resources, and two of you are going to have to go"

"Go where?", piped up Leon, the Galley Chef.

Y-fronts: "Well volunteered, Leon, you have clearly been eating more than your fair share of the ship's supplies", and with that he was bound, gagged, and heaved overboard by the whole crew, on the orders of Captain Kent, who was brandishing a pistol to make sure his every command was obeyed.

"Who's next?", asked the Captain. "I've got a question", said Seaman Karl.

Y-fronts: "I don't like negative thinking", and with that, Seaman Karl was forced to walk the plank.

Now the 'Sir Nicolo Roly' was desperately undermanned, having lost more than half the crew in the past year. Below decks, deep in the bowels of the ship, the off-duty seamen huddled together in the cabins, galleys and around the new world coffee supplies, with those they knew they could trust, and started to mutter again about Captain Kent.......

On deck of the 'Sir Nicolo Roly' in the twighlight of the same day

The 'Sir Nicolo Roly', captained by new boy Kent Y-fronts had driven into a strong headwind, and could barely keep up with the flagship 'Bounty', which had begun to list badly on the exchange.

Apparently an outsider, Robert "Bruce" Lee, with a plot involving some of the crew, had taken control of the 'Bounty' in a bloodless dawn strike, and freed the ship from the tedious lectures of Captain Bligh. As news of the mutiny reached the sister ship 'Sir Nicolo Roly', the crew took new heart from the removal of Captain Bligh, and hoped it would bring new fortunes for them too...

The crew had begun to muster on the deck. Seaman Doug "Dont tell the wife" Scissorhands was muttering how he was going to jump ship with a mottley band, while Seaman Callum lock-me-up-if-the-missus-throws-a-wobbly LeVerywellthanks was straining to listen as Billy French, his messenger boy, ran up to report in breathless tones: "Clueless is at it again!"

It was true, in a desperate attempt, helmsman Dick "Clueless" Notnew shouted "Let's pull the rudder the other way" at Y-fronts, but the Captain was stubborn as an ox. "Look dickhead, I'm in charge here. Don't you understand how this boat works?"

"Course I do!", said Clueless, not very convincingly, and grinning all over, now that the Captain was clearly riled. "Well let's do SOMETHING, doesn't matter what, just do it QUICKLY", added Clueless..., "you see..."

But just at that moment a ghostly booming noise came from somewhere dead ahead, and a giant orange gungey apparition arose from the mountainous seas. Confusion followed....

"Drop anchors!", yelled Y-fronts, at no one in particular, "Sails away!", "Change passwords!", "Hard astern!". These were about the only orders he knew, so he repeated them at the top of his voice to give a semblance of control.

The blonde siren Paulette "I like 'em rough" Valhalla, who had been draped motionless on the bows in place of a figurehead, then screamed in a shrill, piercing voice through the icy wind: "AAAAGGGHH, IT'S...IT'S...HORRIBLE!!!"

Seaman Greesy, scratching his beard thought and added: "But it can't be, I thought he went to join Sir Nicolo?"

Y-fronts looked puzzled, and replied: "Yes, both Sir Nicolo and Horrible walked the plank. How could they survive so long?"

The siren explained in a piercing voice: "They didn't. Kent, dear, don't you see, they have come back to haunt us!"

Now alongside the apparition of Horrible, a monstrous apparition of Sir Nicolo was thrusting up out of the seas. The crew were speechless, and stood gaping at the two ghosts before them. Suddenly the taller apparition, stooping to avoid banging his head, spoke in a ghostly voice:

"You see, strategically speaking,... the secret of the universe,... as you reach enterprise level can,... largely comprehend the galactic tactic,... as a whole, ... call it 'mind set gelling', ... with me?"

"I give in", yelled Y-fronts, not understanding a word.

At this point the crew began to chant in a rising tone "Come back Nicolo! Come back Nicolo! Come back Nicolo!". Cockney Kent was furious "Stop! Stop! No singing! I'm the Captain. I'm not resigning, really, whatever the competition might be saying! I'll have you all keel hauled", but they wouldn't stop. A smile appeared on Sir Nicolo's ghostly face. "Love you really", he said, and with that disappeared into the icy seas. Realising he had seconds left, his side kick Horrible shouted in an icy voice: "Adrian, I'll kick your butt if you're behind schedule", and disappeared in a puff of ginger smoke.

3  The Captain’s Wrath

On the deck of the 'Sir Nicolo Roly Poly' the next morning

The crew had spent a quiet night thinking over and over of the images of Sir Nicolo and Horrible. In fact, almost as soon as the orange apparition of Horrible had returned to the depths of the Oceanus Pacificus, calm had returned. But new trouble was brewing...

Seaman 1 (shouting down from rigging, jokingly): "Ray, I thought you were going to be next to walk the plank?!"

Cabin Orderly Ray Pecs Man: "Nay, brother, the Captain needs me too much!"

Seaman 1: "I would not count on it! You have done nought since coming aboard!"

Pecs Man: "'Tis all lies!"

At this point Y-fronts came up on deck, and just caught the last part of the conversation that was going on high up in the rigging.

Y-fronts (shouting up to Seaman 1): "WHO has done nought?"

Pecs Man (interrupting): "'Tis not true Captain, we have 173 new partners, really, and they are all on the verge of signing..."

Y-fronts: "Ah, 'tis you, Ray. Mmmm" (thinks hard, strain shows). "Have him keel hauled at once!"

Pecs Man (desperately): "No, no Captain, no, I beg you..."

Y-fronts (feeling his power, smiling): "I'm sorry, Ray, you've had your chance"

Pecs Man: "No, PLEASE, Captain, no don't have me keel hauled....OK... let me walk the plank instead, please...."

Y-fronts: "Ok then... if you insist!".

And within minutes the plank had been put in position, and Ray Pecs Man waited with one foot on it while contemplating his last. The assembled crew were made to watch. First Mate Tar Brush was first to break the tense silence:

Tar Brush: "Get on wiv' it, Ray, I'm sick of your presentations"

And with that encouragement, Pecs Man positively ran the plank, and sank into the deep blue abyss.

Y-fronts: "That was quick, we better have another one! Any volunteers?"

Seaman Pheasant (mumbling and grumbling at once): "Sir, (mumbles) terribly sorry, (coughs), Captain, (clears throat), Sir, (grrr), I think we're all rather busy right now, Sir!"

Y-fronts: "Ah, well volunteered, Pheasant". The crew smiled at the thought...

Pheasant: "No, no, I was just joking, no, no, no", but it was too late.

Tar Brush: "Well, WE wozn't jokin', woz we Kent? Captain, 'ow about 'aving 'im keel 'auled instead, we 'aven't 'ad one ov them for a while, 'av we now?!"

Crew (murmering): "Yes, yes, yes, keel haul him!". (Pheasant looks terrified).

Y-fronts (smiling): "Good idea, Tar Brush - for once. OK gag him and send him down and around!" And with that, Pheasant was tied to a long rope and keel hauled....

As the crew heaved on the ropes that dragged Pheasant under the ship, it was noticeable that some of the sales team were not pulling very hard.

Tar Brush: "Oy! Pull would you, lads!! Wot's the matter, don't you like 'im or sumfink? If you don't pull a bi' 'arder, e'll be drowned as a rat!"

Sales team (in unison, reluctantly): "...we don't like him any more than you do!"

Tar Brush (sweating): "Wot you mean? I like Nigel...", (tries to look innocent), "...this keel 'auling lark was the Cap'ain's idea! Now PULL would you, e's been down there nearly 10 minutes already!". And with that, Tar Brush (who was beginning to panic now) actually lent a hand (only one) and pulled with the rest of the crew.

Crew (mumbling): "First time I've seen Tar Brush pull a rope on this ship!"

Eventually Pheasant surfaced, and they hauled him up the other side of the ship, and laid him out on deck. Water poured out of his mouth. He was smiling, but dead.

Tar Brush: "Look 'e's drowned, must 'av been innocen', poor bugger, too bad eh?"

And the crew returned to their stations as quick as they could, lest the Captain pick another one of them...

In the cabin dormitory that night

Seaman 1: "Pity about Pheasant..."

Seaman 2: "I dunno, maybe not!"

(snores from other bunks)

Seaman 1 (in hushed tones, to Seaman 2): "Have you heard, Hawk Eyes the Northern Warden is thinking of joining the Royal Navy?"

Seaman 2 (amazed): "What, our faithful warden of the Northern Marches?"

Seaman 1: "None other than him. Yes, apparently he was overheard talking on the ship's radio to HMS Resolution!"

Seaman 2: "Was he now! And where is HMS Resolution?"

Seaman 1: "On a bearing of 85 degrees, which puts it in a straight line for....Bristol! They say they'll make him Captain of the English vessel, he's been slipping them rations and equipment for several months you know, now he's giving them some of Captain Flint's old treasure too, they say it's buried somewhere in Bristol!"

Seaman 2: "And to think that canny old "Whisky" promised that Captaincy to Seaman Scruffy... wasn't that why he swam over in the first place....!!!?"

Seaman 1 (falling asleep): "Well I never......"

(loud snores)

4 Making every sight a production mess

In the galley of the 'Sir Nicolo Roly' next morning

Off-duty riggers Viscount "I'll be back" Lindley, Michelle "My Belle" Waitrose, and Jim "Fix It" Dixon sat in the galley picking over the Rat Pie that was the Chef's special that day. A fourth rigger, Happy "U-bend" Whogoesyogi? strutted in...

U-bend: "Have I got news for you?"

Fix it: "Go on, Yogi!"

U-bend: "Semaphore message just order from Ze Nobby Nob to the Captain, reads as follows: 'Must improve deck operations, stop, all rig hands to be stationed on central cabin ship, stop, moored Dutch colonial waters, stop. Must serve all other fleet vessels, stop'".

The rig crew were flabberghasted at Obermeister Nob's orders that U-bend had intercepted, as they had no intention of being moored in Dutch waters, and less still of serving foreign vessels. Meanwhile the ship's plumber, Dusky Dizzy, who was tending his damaged ball-valves in the corner of the galley, cleared his throat as if he had something to say:

Dizzy (coughing): "Hgggh, Gentlemen, ghhough" (coughs) "Won't this cause delays furling and unfurling sails?"

U-bend (pretending to be Cockney Kent): "No, I believe our response time will be improved!"

Dizzy: "Hggough, Ghough", (spluttering), "Not likely! In order to unfurl the sails within a reasonable time, I have just calculated that the rig hands will have to set off from the cabin ship before the", (coughs), "order is given!"

U-bend (still pretending to be the Captain): "I don't like negative calculations!"

Dizzy: "In fact, about", (coughs) "two", (coughs again), "hours before",

My Belle: "How will we know if the order is going to be given before it is made?"

U-bend (still imitating Y-fronts): "Another order will be given first!"

My Belle: "Look guys, I don't like to complain, but I've been on this ship five years and this just won't work. If you don't mind I'll be putting ashore in a long boat first thing in the morning!"

The other riggers looked hard at My Belle, but said nothing...

5  Semaphores and Scandals

The semaphores were busy all that day, and the crew managed to gain further news that afternoon...apparently Billy Blitzkriedler was taking over the running of rig crew on the 'Bounty', and would be responsible for cabin services too...meaning certain loss of influence for the current incumbent of the 'Bounty' cabin services operation - a certain Aussie ex-first lieutenant of the 'Sir Nicolo Roly'. Blitzkriedler was reputed to have the personnel skills of Goering, and understandably the rig crew on the 'Bounty' were already starting to plan to put ashore in two or three small groups that very night....

Meanwhile it turned out that Captain Bligh was still alive, being held below deck by the mutineers, keeping himself busy playing marbles and surfing the net.... And the new international first lieutenant, Ron Ercanhebreakhisneck had taken up his position supporting Captain Robert "Bruce" Lee, having become buddies serving on the same pirate ship in the distant past...and there had been breakouts from the U-boat 'Ze Nobby Nob' too, most notable being Prince Bernhard "Zoll-frei" Zoller who was last seen paddling off in his own small canoe....

Onboard the 'Sir Nicolo Roly'

Clueless and Twosome were peering over the side of the ship at the watermark and laughing at a copy of a hastily written scroll that they had rescued from the ship's recycle bin. It read like this:

Captain Kent Y-Fronts
HMS Nicolo Roly
The Doldrums

Urgent semaphore message to:
Captain Goldring of HMS Jolly Brolly Scandal
Dated the ninety-sixth day of March 1796

Dear Captain Gourd,

With reference to your semaphore message dated the ninety-first day of March 1796, which refers to a piece in last month's edition of 'Scroll Management for Modern Moneylenders', as you know I was appointed Captain of the 'Sir Nicolo' long after our offer of providing deck services to HMS Jolly Bolly Skandal was submitted. My comments were made in a long and wide-ranging interview, and the point I made was that previous ships had procured a pilot vessel, and having learned the harbour layout then undertook future port approaches themselves.

I referred to HMS Jolly Old Scandal not because of any known or detailed intention regarding piloting, but rather because of your confidence to invest significantly, with an assumed phased implementation.

I fully understand and appreciate your concerns and I regret the effect my words have caused. I wish to apologise unreservedly for any embarrassment to the owners and crew of HMS Bollinger Skandal and to assure you that there will be no such references again.

My unguarded comments were actually recorded by a zealous scribe, placing me in a difficult position as otherwise I would have blatantly lied and denied it all. Perhaps I was naive in that I did not expect anyone to listen to what I said.

I would be very willing to come aboard HMS Old Brolly Skand and publicly kiss your nether regions, if you feel this would be appropriate.

I would also like to thank you personally for the opportunity to spend zillions of pounds on our offer to HMS Bolly Skand just to give you the pleasure of crossing us off the shortlist.

Yours sincerely,

Kent Y-fronts


PS I have taken your advice about professionalism and will wear my Y-fronts inside my trousers from now on.

The Taste of Paradise

On the bridge of the 'Sir Nicolo Roly', June 1797.

Scene opens with parrot shrieking loudly her favourite words: "Chicken Tonight!", "Chicken Tonight!"

Silver, the ship's navigator, was poring over the charts. His parrot - a brightly coloured 'Jasminius Domesticus' - jumped from one shoulder to the other. Silver hobbled over to the chart table with his familiar angular gait, leaning hard on his crutches, for he had had both legs amputated years ago after a pirate accident.

Silver (to his parrot, very gently, with immense patience): "Can you be a little quieter please my darling, I'm trying to plot a course?"

Seaman Greesy (Silver's assistant, scratching his beard): "What's that your'e plotting?"

Parrot (shrieking possessively, now on Silver's head): "Never you mind!", "Never you mind!"

For a moment there was silence... but it was the parrot that broke it again.

Parrot (to her master, who was now struggling with large Sextant): "Polish your Sextant!", "Polish your Sextant!"

Silver (whispering in Parrot's ear): "Not tonight my darling, I only polished it yesterday!"

Parrot (jumping between Silver's shoulders again): "Polish it again!", "Polish it again!"

In the crew cabin, next morning at 5 a.m.

Next morning, the crew were woken as usual by Silver's parrot.

Parrot: "We're buying a semi!", "Chicken Tonight!", "Buying a semi!", ...

Crew (in unison, grumbling in sleep): "Good for let us sleep"

Parrot: "Time to get up!", "Time to get up!", ...

The crew did not move. But still the parrot kept on...

Parrot (shrieking louder still at sleeping crew): "Feet in sox!", "Hands off cox!", "Feet in sox!",....

Eventually the crew were roused, and struggled bleary eyed out on deck into the fragile dawn light....They were met by a stern looking Captain Kent, with Tar Brush and Clueless hovering at his side. All three of the dynamic trio had been woken up by Silver's parrot.

Y-fronts: "Silver, if you don't do something about that wretched parrot, I'll have your arms amputated too!"

Clueless (grinning): "The Captain's right you know"

Tar Brush (frowning): "Yeah, Silver, get it sorted or else!!!"

Silver (apologetically, cringeing from the remarks): "Sorry Captain - it won't happen again - I'll have a word with her."

Later, below decks

Silver, to his parrot, in private: "Darling, you must stop all this shrieking!"

Parrot (almost crying): "Still love me?", "Still love me?"

Silver (looking down, avoiding parrot's piercing gaze): "Of course I do, but you heard what Y-fronts said, didn't you?"

Parrot: "Stuff the Captain!", "Stuff the Captain!", and then (getting angrier): "You're not going out tonight!", "Not going out tonight!"

Silver (concerned): "Oh, why can't I go out tonight, my darling?"

Parrot (much happier, now louder then ever): "Cos it's Chicken Tonight!", "Chicken Tonight!",...

7  War and Piss

Now the poop deck was the place sailors went to have a quiet reflection on life. In better days, you could hear the senior crew members below singing raucously 'Hoo-ray-and-up-she-rises!' as they watched the Bounty price on the Reuters screen dreaming of their share options... and while star-performing Cabin Boy Phillip had been aboard, it was here that Tar Brush would dream of yet another house extension....

But when the price fell, there was no song to sing. With Q2 looking dismal, no singing had been heard for fact the Bounty price was down to just 29p - the same as in Tescos, and much lower than Mars-aches (formerly View-Galaxy) at 38p, and Documen-Twix at 47p..........but enough of this sweet digression... let the scene begin!

Scene opens on the poop deck of the 'Sir Nicolo Roly' one breezy July morning, 1797.

Culler Terrivision, the ship's black (and white) haired Philospher, was sitting in a coil of rope pondering, as ever, over the question 'Why Am I Here?'. Since joining the ship at the end of last year, he had asked just about every crew member, but no one could give poor Terrivision an answer to his question.... Now at that moment Tar Brush strolled by on his morning round of trouble....

Terrivision (philosophically): "Ah, Tar Brush, perhaps you can tell me Why Am I Here?"

Tar Brush: "Beats me, Tel, I ain't got no bleeding use for you, bu' if I woz you I'd go ask the Cap'ain 'imself, 'e migh' know!"

This was the first time Terrivision had been given any real lead, and his eyes lit up. He was determined to know the whole truth and nothing but the truth....

Little did Terrivision know how hard Real Truth was to come by on this ship! For the reason that Tel Was Here was shrouded in the departure of his predecessor, the Very Reverend Where's My Herd?, the quiet, grey-suited yet resourceful Minister who had jumped overboard after furious arguments with Captain Y-fronts over preaching practices. The puritanical Captain was in deep conflict with the rigorously trained Where's My Herd? who knew his Bible better than any sailor..... In desperation, Where's My Herd? had swam across to HMS Blank Cheque, and was put in charge of Services there.

Meanwhile Y-fronts would sometimes wake up with nightmare flashbacks to when he was tortured by the Spanish Inquisition over his shortcomings. Sometimes he would scream in the middle of the night "I'm not resigning, never!", or sit up, banging his head on the bunk above of Rosy "Cheeks" Davie, his faithful errand boy - the only member of the crew truly loyal to the Captain - screaming "I am charismatic and confident", adding after a while "...aren't I?"....

Now the arguments with the Very Revd. Where's My Herd, now safely aboard HMS Bankers & Techies, all centred on whether Y-fronts had banned religion altogether from the ship, banned the Very Revd.'s 'High Church' style, or just hated the Very Revd.'s guts personally..... And the truth was, that Y-fronts had hastily found Terrivision to act as Chaplain to make it look like the Very Revd.'s Ministership still existed - for Where's My Herd?'s flight to HMS Bank Crash had been just in time to avoid Captain Kent's evil attempt at constructive keel-hauling..... The Very Revd. knew that the very last thing that Y-fronts would want was the Spanish Inquisition on his very back again, but once safely aboard HMS Bang Crash Wollop, The Very Very Reverend had been praying daily to the very architects of the very Inquisition........

Amazingly none of this was known to Terrivision, who like the mushrooms the poor chaplain-cum-philosopher shared a cabin with, had been kept in the dark and fed sh*t....

Later, in the Captain's Cabin

Captain Y-fronts (chatting to Helmsman): "Do you know why they call the pirate flag a 'Jolly Roger'?"

Clueless (grinning from ear to ear): "Is it because that's what they have when they land on Polinesian islands with all those naked women?!"

Y-fronts: "No, no, no, I mean...", but he was interrupted by the sound of furious knocking on the cabin door...

Terrivision (outside, knocking thrice): "Can I come in Sir?"

Y-fronts (angrily): "Come in I said!"

Terrivision: "You didn't"

Y-fronts: "Did, cloth ears!"

Terrivision: "Didn't. Let Dickhead be my witness!"

Y-fronts (firmly): "I said I DID, and I am the CAPTAIN! Come in anyway.... Now listen to me, Terry, I don't like people knocking things around here! Is that understood?"

Terrivision (apologetically): "Yes Captain. I just wanted to come in..."

Y-fronts: "Good. Now what did you want?"

Terrivision: "I've come to ask Why Am I Here?"

Y-fronts (pausing momentarily): "...Tel, my friend,... you know why! To run Services aboard the ship of course!"

Terrivision: "But you banned religion, look I have your signed Edict here!" Sure enough the Philospher produced a copy of the Captain's edict which had upset all of the cabin services crew and had precipitated many a good sailor's demise...And even that very night, three remaining cabin services crew members were plotting to row the last remaining lifeboat over to HMS Resolution....

Y-fronts stared at the Edict. His jaw dropped... It was true.... His little blue piggy eyes watered as he thought of the pain...... Yes, this edict was proof of his evil plans for the Very Reverend..... And it was in his own very hand..... He could almost hear the Inquisitors coming aboard now.... He glanced at Clueless - who quickly looked the other way..... Was there no escape? He was cornered! Fire now raged in his eyes...

Y-fronts (angrily): "Give that to me!"

Terrivision (with philospher's foresight, perceiving that a lot more was at stake): "Not so fast...."

8  A Week All at Sea

A faithful extract from the Captain's Log of the 'Sir Nicolo Roly' for July 1797


a.m. Admiral Robert "Bruce" Lee presents ultimatum to Y-fronts: 'Three misses and you're out'. With Q1 missed, and Q2 as good as missed, Y-fronts invests in a new pair of trousers to put on under his Y-fronts, just in case.

p.m. Tar Brush pleads with the Admiral to make 'allowances' for the Captain, and asks for a 'reduction', suggesting that 'Two misses and you're out' would be a fairer policy.


a.m. Tar Brush and the Northern Warden persuade Alexis Shiver My, ex-Drama Queen, to stay on board the 'Sir Nicolo Roly'. She agrees, having decided that the Dark Satanic Trawler is far too risky a vessel.

p.m. Tar Brush's beloved Chamberpot is lost overboard.


a.m. The Northern Warden goes for a 'talk' on the HMS Atkinson, the Aussie convict ship (the one with the large observation Tower).

Overnight. Women's screaming, followed by a man's cry of 'Oh Jesus, Oh Maggie' heard from the Captain's cabin. Seeing as Margaret Thatcher was not yet born in 1797, crew assume Ship's Matron is the one servicing Y-fronts (Y-fronts-less?).


HMS Resolution burns and sinks. The mutineers try to buy out the owners, but the owners prefer to scuttle the ship. A Phoenix rises from the ashes. Half the hands go down with the ship. Fate of Seaman Scruffy remains unknown.


Cheesy the Irish paddy is caught shagging three mermaids at once in the apple barrel. No real news here.

9  The Forthright Saga Continues

Now the owners of the 'Sir Nicolo Roly' expected the ship to make four voyages a year to bring back gold from the new world. Each voyage lasted about three months; the 'Sir Nicolo' is now close to the end of its second voyage of 1797....

With the ship navigating treacherous seas in the Straights of Dire, Captain Y-fronts puts out an urgent order for all hands to assemble on deck...

Y-fronts (to assembled crew): "Crew, I have called you here today...", but he was immediately cut short by a new recruit.

Daz the Tiler: "Sir, your Y-fronts are undone!"

Y-fronts: "Welcome aboard Whaz! So what if my Y-fronts are undone? I've got my trousers on underneath"

Daz: "Oh...I didn't realise that you wore them..."

Y-fronts (butting in): "Look Jazz, if you want to come in and join the club, leave my Y-fronts outside, OK?"

Daz: "With respect, Sir, that seems to be just what you have done?!"

Y-fronts (red-faced): "Goddamit, don't answer me back, boy!!"

Seaman 1 (muttering to other crew members): "No wonder Kodak changed him for a faster film"

Seaman 2 (whispering to Seaman 1): "No wonder Paper Trace shredded him"

Y-fronts (annoyed): "Ah yes, as I was saying, I have called you all here this morning...", but he was again interrupted almost as soon as he had started...

Drama Queen (dramatically): "Sir, no one is at the helm!"

Crew (whispering variously to each other): "What's new?",... "Makes no difference anyway!",... "This ship follows such an erratic course....."

Y-fronts: "Why not, Alexis?"

Drama Queen: "Because you ordered all hands on deck, Sir!"

Y-fronts: "Thanks for pointing that out, Alexis. It's good to still have one founder member on board - even if it took a fair bit of know, you single handedly push up the average length of service to nearly four months! Well done! But when I ordered ALL hands on deck, I didn't mean..."

Crew (muttering amongst themselves): "He never does.", "Every time he opens his goddam mouth...", "What a..."

Y-fronts (shouting): "...Helmsman, get back to your post and steer this damn ship, would you!?"

Clueless (grinning): "Yes, Sir, I'll do my best". And with that, Clueless hurried back to the helm and grappled as best he could with what he thought looked like the rudder....

Y-fronts (agitated): "As I was saying, I have called you here today to let you know the provisional results for this voyage. Unfortunately, we have not done quite as well as expected, and have fallen somewhat short of our target, so...", but he was again interrupted, this time by the First Mate (legs crossed, lost without Chamberpot)...

Tar Brush (frowning): "Look, Cap'ain, it's all very bloody well blaming Sales, but 'ow can the Admiral expect us to 'it the bleeding target if 'e keeps moving 'it? First it was three and a 'alf tons for this trip, then two an' a 'alf - well, we expected 'im to keep on moving it at the same rate, that's why we 'eaded for one and a 'alf!"

Y-fronts: "But you haven't even made that, First Mate?!"

Tar Brush (staring hard at Y-fronts): "We nearly 'ave, only 'alf a ton out, give us a bleedin' chance Cap'ain!"

Now Tar Brush knew that he had to pitch the results just right - if they were on target he had no chance of ever becoming Captain, whereas if they were too low he knew the Captain - if not the Admiral - would have Tar Brush himself keel-hauled.... So he had reckoned that results a hair under the one ton mark for this voyage would hasten the Captain's demise, yet promote his own rise to the Captaincy...

Seaman (whispering to Northern Warden while the Captain continued to rant on with excuses for the dismal results): "Hang in there, Warden, you never know your luck. Y-fronts will be keel-hauled by the end of this voyage, and you're best placed for the Captaincy. Tar Brush has really overdone the dismal results this time..."

Northern Warden (interested): "You reckon?..."

Y-fronts continues: "One other thing: the Admiral has ordered us to throw Sorearse overboard, and the sooner the better"

New young deck hand: "What is a Sorearse?"

Clueless (shouting from the helm, grinning like a clown): "If you'd like to come back to my cabin later, I can show you..."

Y-fronts: "No, no, no, ...Sorearse is the new contraption for digging gold, but it doesn't work, its just old-fashioned smoke and mirrors...."

Tar Brush (adding to the Captain's explanation): "The Cap'ain's right. Cap'ain Bligh, bless 'iz soul, encouraged Sorearse as best 'e could, but now we know it's a heap o' junk, and the new Admiral, bless 'im, has go' it sussed!"

Nik Twosome (long faced): "'Tis not true, it's a wonderful product! We've got forty thousand Shell-fish using it....!"

Tar Brush: "Bollocks, Twoface. Look, with Sorearse we 'aven't even made one ton o' gold, so 'ow can we get twenty in a year?"

Y-fronts (taken by surprise): "I didn't mean twenty tons of gold in a year!"

Tar Brush: "Well, Cap'ain, you're the one tha' bleedin' said it!"... Tar Brush turns to the crew expectantly; crew begin to nod, first slowly, now faster...

Crew (chanting in unison): "To-wards Twen-ty!, To-wards Twen-ty!, To-wards Twen-ty!,..."

Y-fronts (anger showing): "I... I... meant... meant.... twenty... er... CREW! --- and we're very nearly there!!!" (Crew gasp)

Now secretly Tar Brush liked Sorearse, because it kept the results down and diverted resources from the traditional gold digging; and this furthered his aim of getting rid of Y-fronts by the end of the next voyage....

But little did Tar Brush know that newly-appointed Admiral Robert "Bruce" Lee was out for blood in a big way, and was ready to keel-haul both Y-fronts and Tar Brush pour encourager les autres....

Next month....How the end came quickly for Y-fronts, yet Tar Brush never made it to the Captaincy, being lucky to escape with his life.....

10  More War and More Piss - after the break

We regret to inform our esteemed readership that the Captain and crew of the 'Sir Nicolo Roly' have agreed a cease-fire / legs-crossed to allow the authors of War & Piss a two-week holiday break. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.


War & Piss takes on a whole new meaning as newly-elected Admiral Robert "Bruce" Lee orders a relentless 'Slash & Burn' campaign across Europe. Yes, it's true, the Admiral has appointed Ron Er...canhebreakyourneck? to bring the European subsidiaries in line with a merciless Slash & Burn policy. Said the Admiral to News at Ten:

"Although the majority of the fleet turned in favorable results, we had some difficulty in Europe (primarily Germany and the U.K.), and missed our planned gold targets there by nearly 50%. However, this is not a reflection of a declining market in Europe. Tremendous opportunity exists in Europe, and Ron He'sgonnabreakyourneck and his team are focused on ensuring we get back on track quickly.

We are therefore initiating a 'slash and burn' policy to root out the woodworm in affected ships."

We'll be following Ron and his Relentless Raiders from the moment they land in Europe... Just what are Obermeister Nob's chances under Slash & Burn? Will Y-fronts - so used to being pissed on (in?) - dissolve with the initial Slash? Will Clueless stand, sit down or run when the Burn comes to the First Square of the Stockley Plantation? Will Tar Brush's volatile nature fan the fearsome flames? All the latest on this hot & wet topic, after the break...


We'll be broadcasting the new hit single, sung by Sir Nicholas Rowley:

...Oh my darling, Oh my darling, Oh my darling com-pan-ee,
Thou art lost and gone for ever, Oh my darling com-pan-ee.
Then the d'rector, six foot niner, for his girl began to pine,
Thou art lost and gone for ever, Oh my darling com-pan-ee.
Oh my darling, Oh my darling, ...., etc


Water over the bridge - we'll have the latest on the scuttling of HMS Resolution, as the fateful frigate fades into the abyss...


Annie Lorry's Swan Song - how the crew of the 'Sir Nicolo' have had to learn to scrub their own decks (yes, I said decks) - we'll have the latest intimate stories...

And finally:

The Three Cavaliers enroll as 'male' nurses on the hospital ship HMS 'Eunuch Care'. Yes, we'll have the very latest on Sir Nicholas Rowley's new venture into health care, as he builds a caring but cavalier crew with Horrible "I'll make sure they're awake" Hagen, Doug "Leave the old ladies to me" Scissorhands, and Tony "Leave the bed-bound to me" Chamberpot ...

11   What shall we do with the cabin services crew?

As the 'Sir Nicolo Roly' rounded the Cape of Little Hope, three deck hands were busy scrubbing the decks...

Seaman 1: "It's a long time since I scrubbed my own deck!"

Seaman 2: "I ain't heard nought from the 'Bounty' recently, have you?"

Seaman 3: "Me too. I hate having to scrub my own deck. 'Tis a pity Annie Lorry has gone!"

Seaman 1: "Well, they say the newly appointed Admiral Robert 'Bruce' Lee has brought more of his own men on board, and is pressurising crew still loyal to Captain Bligh, bless him, to walk the plank, with more obliging every day."

Seaman 2: "I thought you were used to scrubbing your own deck?"

Seaman 3: "Well I heard that the HT4 deck is deserted, as so many crew members have been sent into the abyss!"

Seaman 1: "Yes, but young Annie did it so much better!"

Seaman 2: "And the Admiral has taken the opportunity to repaint it"

Seaman 3: "We'll not get another scrubber like her!"

Seaman 1: "No doubt to cover up the marks on the walls where Captain Bligh, bless him, got the truth out of errant crew members!"

Seaman 2: "Aye, I wouldn't mind falling on the back of that Lorry!"

Seaman 3: "And I heard that Lewis, the Bounty's carpenter, has found favour with the Admiral, and word has it that he has been busy plotting behind the backs of Long John Jordan and Mr Christian yet again, and,..."

Seaman 1 "Nor me! Aye, she was a good scrubber! How does the song go?"

Seaman 2: "What was that?"

Seaman 3: "Err... 'For the sake of Annie Lorry,... I'd lay myself down and die....' "

Seaman 1: "Who's singing up there?"

Seaman 2: "Aye, she was a good scrubber, 'tis no fun doing it all yourself...!"

Seaman 3: "Is it the Captain?"

They stopped short, as they realised that it was Captain Y-fronts strutting about the bridge above them that they could hear. He appeared to be mumbling all his problems to the tune of "What Shall We Do With The Drunken Sailor". It went something like this:

"What shall we do with the cabin services crew?
We don't make a penny from them, though other ships do...
What shall we do with the cabin services crew?
Ear-ly in the morning."

"Hand them over to HMS Phoenix?
They'll lap them up so "the problem" is fixed!
Hand them over to HMS Phoenix?
Ear-ly in the morning."

Sign them over to the Northern Warden?
He'll make them work and keep them from boredom!
Sign them over to the Northern Warden?
Ear-ly in the morning."

"Flogg them off to HMS Eunuch Care at the mercy of Sir Nick?!
The'll make wonderful nurses - parrot and all - so let's be quick!
Flogg them off to HMS Eunuch Care at the mercy of Sir Nick?!
Ear-ly in the morning."

"Let Tar Brush get his sticky paws on their throats?
He'll feed them to the salesmen to use as scape-goats!
Let Tar Brush get his sticky paws on their throats?
Ear-ly in the morning."

"If no one wants them, set them adrift on a raft or a boat!
Serves them right as they never make a penny nor a groat!
If no one wants them, set them adrift on a raft or a boat!
Ear-ly in the morning."

"What about poor old Culler Terryvision?
Two staff are two too many for him - the plan needs some revision!
A keel-hauling will save him from further derision!
Ear-ly in the morning!"

Now Silver's and Creesy's cabin was just along from the bridge, and they were none too amused when they too heard the Captain's singing; nor was Silver's parrot.

Parrot: "Thought you had safe job?", "Thought you had safe job?"

Silver: "Look, darling, I don't need pressure at a time like this"

Parrot: "Please yourself!", "Cook your own dinner!", "Please yourself!", "Cook your own dinner!"

Silver hung on his crutches and hobbled over to a porthole as best he could with his wooden legs that had been made without knee joints as an economy measure.... As he gazed out of the window at the mountainous seas, Captain Y-fronts burst in with Tar Brush close behind...

Y-fronts: "Gentlemen, after much careful thought I have come to a decision about Cabin Services!"

Silver and Creesy (nervously, in unison): "So......what is it?"

Y-fronts: "It's the right decision, at the right time, for the right reasons..."

Tar Brush: "Get on wiv it, Cap'ain!"

Y-fronts: " the right way, for the right people, ...."

Parrot: "Spit it out, then!", "Spit it out, then!"

Y-fronts: " the right moment, for the right purpose,..."

Silver: "But does it allow for proper apprenticeships of new recruits? With just two staff, we're well below critical mass!"

Tar Brush: "Don't worry 'bout tha', we've go' loads o' new courses for the new deck 'ands..."

Silver: "But that's no substitute for on-the-job training!"

Tar Brush: "I don't see why bleeding not!"

Creesy: "You're naive if you think that!"

Y-fronts: "As I was saying, I have decided..."

12  Rise or Dies

Scene opens on the poop deck of the 'Sir Nicolo Roly', where Silver is alone with his parrot, bathing in the last rays of the evening sun...

Silver: "What a beautiful sunset, my darling!"

Parrot: "Hurts my eyes!", "Hurts my eyes!"...

Silver: "It's so romantic.....I wanted darling and lovliest parrot, we've known each other for some time now, and I thought...."

Parrot: "Thought of what?!", "Thought of me?!"

(slight pause, Silver has tears in his eyes, and starts to try to bend one leg, them remembers he can't...)

Silver (sweetly, now lying down on his front): "Darling, I wanted to go down on one knee, but I can't as both my..."

Parrot (interrupting): "Go down on what?!", "Go down on me?!"

Silver (not quite so sweetly, still prostrate): "Darling, I said I would have liked to go down on one knee in order to make a suggestion about us...You see I've been thinking about the future, and...."

Meanwhile, deep in the bowels of the 'Bounty', the Admiral, Relentless Ron, and Lewis, the ships's Carpenter were sitting in a smoke filled cabin round a small green-felted table puffing on Havanas. The Admiral was holding a set of ivory poker dice. Now read on...

Admiral Robert "Bruce" Lee: "Right then, let's start with Obermeister Nob! We all remember the rules of 'Rise or Dies' now, don't we? Royal flush - offered a place in Corporate; Five of a kind - major promotion; Four of a kind - minor promotion; Full house - moved sideways and given more rope to hang himself; Two pairs - demoted; Anything less - fired. OK, Lewis, throw!"

Lewis (throwing expectantly for the Obermeister): "Full House. Oh, sorry Nobby, what a SHAME!?!"

Admiral: "He had it coming. OK, Ron, have you got a suitable title?"

Ron: "How about 'Deputy Regional Operations Manager of European Development And Research Integration'"

Admiral: "It's a bit....too long, ...and the acronym is 'D.R.O.M.E.D.A.R.I.' - which makes it sound like we're giving him the hump...' "

Ron: "OK, what do you think of 'International Business Manager & President of Vice'"

Lewis: "I.B.M.P.V.? No, no, no can do, the 'I.B.M.' bit makes the hand of you two guys a bit too obvious..."

Admiral: "OK, so try swapping the words around a bit..."

Ron: "Err,...what about 'President of International Vice Development and Any Other Business'"

Admiral (excitedly): "We're getting there, but it doesn't quite scan right..."

Ron: "Ok, I've got it: 'Vice President, International Business Development'"

Admiral: "Brilliant! Sounds really professional! Now all he's got to do is to work out what it means!"

Ron and Lewis (in unison): "Brilliant, Sir!"

Admiral: "OK, write it down Ron before we forget it. Now, next one!"

Ron: "The next on the list is Captain Y-fronts of the HMS Nicolo Roly"

Admiral: "Him. OK, throw for old Y-fronts, Lewis!"

Lewis (throwing for Y-fronts): "Five Aces! Jammy b*****d, he's already way above his competence level!"

Admiral: "Rules are rules. OK, have you got a title for him, Ron?"

Ron: "With five of a kind, it has to be the top job in Europe, Sir. That'd be "Vice President of European Operations'"

Admiral: "Do we have to? He can't even run his own boat, how the f**k can he handle the whole goddam European fleet?"

Ron: "Rules are rules, Sir! You can always fire him after a few months!"

Admiral: "True. Ok, Let's do it guys!"

Lewis: "Mmmm. Old Sir Nick will be doing five-and-a-half!"

Admiral: "Five-and-a-half? I thought he was a biggish chap?"

Lewis: "He was, Sir. I meant five-and-a-half-thousand R.P.M. in his goddam grave, when he hears this one - it's just what he wanted!"

Admiral: "Gottya! Spilt milk an' all that! Ok, right it down Ron! Next!"

Ron: "Next is the First Mate, Tar Brush."

Admiral: "Throw, Lewis"

Lewis (shakes then throws): "Jesus! Five Kings! Jammy motherf****r"

Admiral: "How do these Saxon b*****ds do it? Well, what title have you got for Tar Brush?"

Ron: "Has to be a 'Regional Vice President' Sir"

Admiral: "OK, but for God's sake put him somewhere where he can't keep topping up that goddam tan! Makes me puke!"

Ron: "That'd be Europe North, Sir?!"

Admiral: "OK, done. Next! Oh, and redraw the regions so he's got Finland, Lithuania, Latvia, Estonia and... Iceland. That'll sort out his goddam tan!"

Ron: "Next is Clueless, the Helmsman of the 'Nicolo Roly'"

Admiral: "Throw!!"

Lewis (shakes for three full minutes before throwing): "Five Queens!!!!! Jesus wept!!!!! How do these goddam jammy Royalist Saxon British b*****d motherf*****g ****s do it?!!! I've never seen a game of 'Rise or Dies' like it in all my life!!!"

Admiral and Ron (in unison): "Hey, there's no way he's gonna be a 'Regional Vice President'! We've got a fleet to run, guys!"

Lewis: "Agreed. This guy is 100 percent clueless. I mean his parents Christened him spot on, how did they do it? This guy is C-L-U-E-L-E-S-S. But rules are rules, that's all the fun of 'Rise or Dies'!"

Admiral: "There's no way he can get away with anything other than something like Marketing. OK, so this Saxon b*****d got Five Queens. Mmmm. But no way do I want his goddam grin on this ship. So give him the top Marketing job outside Corporate!"

Ron: "Has to be 'Director of Marketing, Europe'"

Admiral: "Done! Next!"

Lewis (starts shaking the dice REALLY hard)...

13  Putting documents to death

Having passed through the Straits of Dire, the 'Bounty' was now stuck in the Doldrums next to the Sea of Tranquillity. Admiral Robert "Bruce" Lee immediately gave an urgent order to assemble all hands that were left on deck....

Admiral: "Crew, I've gathered you here today...." (Crew start to cringe, hiding behind the rigging less they be selected for another dreaded round of keel-haulings...) "... to introduce a few small changes, well big changes actually..."

Crew mumble (in unison): "Oh no, he's gonna make us all walk the plank...."

Admiral: "First of all, the Master Carpenter is going to explain some changes in the way we, over to you, Lewis"

Crew mumble amongst themselves: "Oh no, I can't watch any more punishment, it gives me nightmares..."

Lewis: "Silence! Thanks, Bruce. Crew, as the Admiral said, we are going to have to get this place ship-shape....first of all there will be no more titles in this fleet..." (Crew gasp)

Seaman 1: "Not even for the Captain?"

Lewis: "Good point, boy...." (Turns to the Admiral, frowning) "...Well, the Captain and the senior crew members are excepted......As I was saying, we need ownership and accountability, not titles and hierarchy! We want teamwork and negotiations with your fellow seamen - and less of the 'this is my patch of sea' attitude. We will be setting up chain-gangs - each gang will be represent a particular skill set for the entire fleet. We will reward performance, not age or political skill"

Seaman 1: "Does that mean I can take home more Spanish gold than the Captain?"

Lewis: "If you dig more, you'll get more! Where was I? We need to share information and resources. And to facilitate better communication with your fellow seamen, everyone in a chain-gang will be chained directly to everyone else..."

Several seamen (in unison): "Won't we get in a bit of a tangle like that?!"

Lewis: "Hopefully not, or not as much as in the past. We expect 80 to 90 percent of your communication to be with your peers, so don't keep hassling your I mean gang-leader. We will operate a flatter structure, so the masts will have to be sawn off" (crew gasp) "...The chain-gangs will replace the current hierarchy. And we will merge the Sorearse operation as planned, consolidating everyone that worked with Sorearse into the new chain-gangs."

Crew (cheering loudly): "Hooray! Hooray!"

Lewis: "And there will be a knew 'Knowledge Transfer' gang. Mr Christian, you'll be in charge of the Products chain-gang."

Mr Christian: "Thank you, Sir! Will I be allowed to appoint a few of my own to my gang?"

Admiral: "Please do Mr Christian, it's your chain gang! Treat them as you see fit!"

Mr Christian: "Will do!"

Later that week, another deck meeting is hastily called. Bright-eyed Mr Christian appoints his gang....

Mr Christian: "Paddy Doily, you've been really brilliant! Let's see, you can have the chain gang for core activities, including the traditional spade and shovels, gold discovery, plus Visual Watch, and you'll continue to have responsibility for the whole ensemble, plus what's left of Sorearse, and you'll be responsible too for painting the watermarks....

Second Mate Paddy Doily: "Ooy Ooiy, Moista Chroystion, weell duu!"

Mr Christian: "And on your team you get Tod de Plod, Ken Smartass, Cockney Carl and - well, pick a few yourself."

Paddy Doily: "Yezzzzuuurr!"

While Paddy starts picking his team, Mr Christian continues: "Right than, Jan-the-Teflon-Shoulders-Man, you'll run the "side effects" chain gang, covering the warehouse, painting those green bars on the side of the ship, and all the peripheral bits needed for gold digging, plus the whole operation to dig for gold in Panama.

Third Mate Jan: "I look forward to it, Sir!"

Seaman 1: "I thought Mark O'Biscay was in charge o' the green bar operation?"

Mr Christian (smiling): "Never mind him, I had him keel-hauled last week!"

Fourth Mate Jeff Weighed (trembling): "And what about me, Sir?" (grits his teeth) "...You've given all my men to Doily, you..."

Mr Christian: "Er, er, ... you're not forgotten, Jeff, I planned that you are in charge, you get all the important stuff, you can do a bit of everything!"

Weighed: "Gee thanks!"


Admiral: "Thanks, Mr Christian. One more thing, crew..." (crew cringe, and start to leave one by one, saying they have to do something over the side)"....we need to change the logo and figurehead of this boat"

Crew (that are left) gasp loudly: "No, no sir, that'll bring bad luck.....You mess with the ship's name at our peril...."

Admiral (impatiently): "Never mind bad luck! Its 1797, and we have to keep up with the times!"

Crew (trembling in unison): "Aargh!!! We'll all be doomed!!!"

14  Christmas Reunion

Weymouth, December 1797.   Having just about survived another year on the high seas, the battered 'Sir Nicolo Roly' was drawing near its home port. On board were Hawk Eyes, the former Northern Warden, with the few remaining crew-members that had survived the year, plus quite a few fresh young recruits. With Captain Y-fronts promoted to Admiral of the European Fleet, and Tar Brush promoted to Y-fronts' lacky, the ship was without a captain in title, though Hawk Eyes was beginning to make his mark and effectively now ran the ship. To get the place ship-shape, Hawk Eyes had recruited an old 'Sir Nicolo' hand to be his first mate, in the form of none other than John "Whisky" MacAllan.

As the ship approached the ancient jetty, a few hardy fishermen and other onlookers let out a faint 'welcome home' cheer that could only just be heard above the biting winter wind..... Now the crew had decided to have a Christmas Reunion as soon as they reached port, so as the gang plank was lowered, the eager crew - many of whom hadn't seen a woman since Tahiti - ran ashore to the appointed Inn at the far end of the High Street, namely their old haunt the 'Jug and Joanna', where a mottley band of old hands was waiting too. Now read on how the celebrations unfurled that night...

While most of the seamen were desperately pressing round the small number of girls in the tavern, a small group was crowding around Harry the "Dec" Hand and Callum "OymfraStrath" Clyde, who had both jumped ship shortly before the return to Weymouth....

Whisky (a little the worse for wear): "So tell ush, 'arry, what made you jump ship, I mean your new boss woz OK - wozn't 'e?"

Hand (who'd had a few jugs of mead by that time): "Well, to be honesht, mate, I woz looking for a proper job.... I mean, I'd been faffing around too long in this place,.... just like I did back on Dec, .....and... well, Charlie's OK, but,,'s guys above 'im......Clueless an' tha' lo',........... well, I reckon.....they've totally lost the blinking plot....."

Seamen (whispering in unison, looking around to check they could not be overheard): "Know wot yer mean, 'arry...., yes 'arry..."

Hand (continuing): "er....did I hear Frank Bruno?....anyway, well, actually some of 'em may not 'ave ever 'ad it in the first place....., I mean, the just couldn't take it any longer ... I just went to Charlie and quit.... yup, it probably was a bit of a shame....", (knocks back another jug of mead), "... as Charlie, yeah,..... 'es a good'un alright... an'..... the worst is probably over......hic!", (pours himself another jug)

Whisky (downing another one): "Come on then Call'm, so, were you pooshed or poolled?"

Clyde: "Well, I've got a good position on anoother ship!"

Hand (continuing): "er,...... plotless,.... er,.... hic!...... clueless,.... er..... useless,...... I mean.. it's all the sameless diff'r'nceless,......hic!"

Whisky: "Aye, Call'm, but I just wanna ken if you were pooshed or poolled?"

Meanwhile, Cabin Boy Carlo, Doug "Scissorhands" and Chamberpot were crowding round the lovely Rondez "Si" Vous Plait, the petite and dark-haired former Cabin Girl.

Clyde (whispering): "....just for yourr ears, Whisky, as an' ool' mate.........."

Whisky: "well goo on then!"

Carlo: "Er, er....Rondezvous....can I drive you home - I've got a really cool carriage waiting outside? It's got loads o' horse power,....", but Rondezvous pretended she hadn't heard - though it somehow didn't suit her to not R.S.V.P...... Next, Chamberpot tried his luck, in his usual subtle way:

Chamberpot: "Oy! Rondezvous! Get yer coat on, luv, you've scored!"

But this time Rondezvous's reply came almost as quick: "Leave it out, would you? I hate you!"

Carlo (spotting an opportunity): "Er, are you shure you, er......don't need a lift home...... you see, darling, I've left the old girl back in the New World, so it won't be a problem, like,, see what I carriage has got leather sheets....power shteering,.....hic!...?"

Clyde (whispering in Whisky's ear): " was a bit of booth.....!"

Mike "Numbers" Tracer (in the corner, talking to the Reverend Where's My Herd?, with his new missus): "Well, Reverend, it's good to see you again! I'm so glad you've got married.....I mean I'm particularly glad......"

At that moment gorgeous blonde Lilly "White" Anne, the former helmsman's assistant, caught a glimpse through the crowd of former third-mate Horrible across the other side of the tavern, with his arms around the Drama Queen's shapely waist....swaying together to the Piano music....

Hands: "Er.....hic!....bit of booth!?......wot woz that?" (falls over)

Meanwhile Admiral Y-fronts, who couldn't take his mead that well either, had found Maggie, the former ships matron, and now, with his smart new Admiral's uniform - which had made an instant impression on Maggie - all unbuttoned, the two of them were going hell-for-leather, slouched behind a bench in the corner of the Inn....

Lilly-White (to the other cabin girls): "I can't believe it! What a B*****D! He said he loved me, only YESTERDAY!

Numbers (continuing with the Reverend): "Yes, congratulations to you both, I was getting worried, I mean, being a priest - one hears so many stories these days - and with all those boys lodging in the Vicarage, I had my doubts - but not any more, anyway, all's well that ends well......!"

Cabin girls (to Lilly-White): "That's men for you! Your poor thing!"

At that moment, Sir Nicholas Roly Poly himself had found the 'Jug and Joanna' and stepped into the rowdy tavern. Wading through the drunken mob and stepping over the fallen, he stood out a good head above the mass of dishevelled faces and mead jugs.....

Lilly-Anne: "Yes, but......this was different......or so he said......I'll kill him!........", but at that moment Horrible and the Drama Queen walked out, arm-in-arm. That was just too much for Lilly-Anne, who promptly downed another jug of mead and collapsed in a flood of tears....

Sir Nicholas: "Gents!", but he was immediately interrupted by shouts of "Er, .... I need to go too.....they're over there, in the corner!".

Y-fronts: "Oh Maggie....!", (women's screams can be heard above the general din)

Carlo (still talking to Rondezvous): "Are you shure...hic! don't need a.... er,.... hic!.... lift home?,.. I've got this brilliant carriage.....I have, really,....... hic!....fanshy wooden shteering wheel.....hic!......shix shpeed box, with a fanshy knob...hic!....just like me......." (falls over)

Sir Nicholas (unperturbed, continues): "Gents! And Ladies! It's good to see you all again - really - and to see the old crew doing some solid 'mind set gelling'! From my heart - right here...", (beats upper chest hard), "....I'd like to wish you all - and strategically speaking, that means every single individual one of you...", (pauses to regain breath after chest beating), "...a very Happy Christmas and - a genuinely successful! - and I do mean that! - and prosperous 1798!"

15  As you like it?

"Graeme and I both agreed that your stories are generally very funny (the first installment [about Corporate] wasn't so good, but they've been pretty good since). But, dear God, the Good Ship does sail close to the wind a little. But Tar Brush and Horrible are my favourites."
Seaman Mike Scruffy

"There is nothing wrong with my ball-valves, other than that they have been cut off from the rest of the plumbing"
Dusky Dizzy
Ship's Plumber

"Good Ship was REALLY funny. We just loved it when Lenny was keel-hauled!"
Linda Merle
FileNet Corporation

"What's the 'Good Ship' like?! I haven't a clue!"
'Sir Nicolo Roly'

"Ve have vound diz do be a mozd uzevul dogumend zad vill azzizd uz do brovide thoughd leaderzhib in ze area ov documend manadgemend. I believe Mizz Moneybenny Gooper's thighs are vantaztik."
Obermeister Nob
U-boat 'Ze Nobby Nob'

"Please count me in on the email exchanges going on w.r.t. The Good Ship FileNet - a little bird told me this little book is entertaining, witty and incisive..."
Phillip Jones @ FILENET_US

"Most entertaining"
Sir Nicholas Rowley

From: corine_g @
"Brilliant!!! When's the next nail biting installment??"

"Sadistic and Sick"
Nigel Partridge

"You kill me William - this stuff is great!!! Incisive and witty - have I missed many chapters?", "[Rise or Dies was] absoultely booming marvellous - razor sharp"
Phillip Jones @ FILENET_US

"Your information is amazingly up to date and of course comical, I can't distribute for fear of being keel-hauled myself but will share with selected other ex-pat types!"
Martyn D.Christian
Marketing Programs
FileNet Corporation

"Who the hell is this guy 'Bligh' anyway? Can he play tiddlywinks? Has he got a web-site I can visit?"
Ted Smith,
Internet Surfer and Tiddlywinks Researcher,
FileNet Corporation

"Not funny at all"
Ray Beckman

"I guess I'm somewhat confused over the more surreal ghost scenes towards the end. What is that all about? I am awaiting with baited breath for the next installment. And whilst we're at it, I didn't walk the plank - rather I built my own JetSki whilst on board and headed for the sun. On the other hand I appreciate the improvements you are attempting to make to my character!"
Sir Philip Hagen
Managing Director and Chief Executive Officer,
Oceanus Corporation of Europe plc

"I love it! Shows I'm charismatic!! Don't you try and knock it!!!"
Kent Y-fronts
'Sir Nicolo Roly'

"Sad bunch o' bastards"
Tar Brush
First Mate

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Copyright © 1998 William Schwitzer